Just Off Center

I once saw a movie with Jimmy Stewart in which he tells the fiance of his daughter that every now and then he's going to come home from work and find his wife crying. She won't tell you why she's crying either. And the reason she won't tell you is because she doesn't really know. Just hug her and tell it's o.k. was the advice. A little loving is all she wanted anyway. I'm not sure why I remembered this little segment, but it has rang true many times for me. I'll come home and Nina will just be in the dumps for no apparent reason. But if I just give her a hug and tell her everything is fine, she feels at least a little better.

So growing up boys learn ever so slowly that there are certain strange and inexplicable things and behaviors that we can expect to see from the opposite sex. We deal with them as best we can. But if you stand back and view a woman just as she is it all kind of makes sense.

One of the things we have to deal with regarding the oddities of the female of the species is the difficulty and complexity of the mating ritual. In short, getting a girl to want to fuck you is just damn hard. We spend our whole lives perfecting this process. But once you get a girl into bed you'll find that most of them are basically the same, timid at first and unsure of their bodies. As they get more comfortable with themselves and you they begin to open themselves up to more adventurous sex. This is when things get fun. And as they get really really comfortable, that's when the weird and wonderful shit comes out.

One thing that I've been thinking about lately is that for all the complaining that men do about women and how strange and fickle they are, women have to endure behavior twice as strange. Especially when it comes to sex is this true. Men make some damn odd requests of our women. And since they love us, they usually comply. But I just can't help but wonder how they go about processing the reason for some of the things we ask. For that reason, I've tried to come up with a list of things that men ask for or do in bed that would seem peculiar and offer up my amateur, layman's opinion.

• DADDY - Having your girl call you "daddy" is a bit disturbing. Even though to me this is one of the strangest things a guy can ask for when fucking, I get the distinct impression that women understand why we want this more than we do. Being called daddy by a girl you're having sex with seems like some term of endearment, or perhaps better termed an admission of submission. I don't think that it means that we want to fuck our daughters. Instead it seems to come from the same place as the desire to be called "king" or "master", which may be a little fucked up in its own rite.
  
  
• FACIALS - For the twelve year olds out there who have never had this experience, this is when a man realizes that he's about to come and has to select a location for the event, a target of sorts. A man could come inside her and risk pregnancy or take the easy way and just pull out and come on her tummy. But there's something inside us that every once in a while says "Hey, blow it all over her face! That would be awesome!" And in truth it is. I can't describe the feeling in a way that makes sense. Some would argue that men got the idea from watching pornos, but riddle me this: how did the moneyshot come to be the industry standard finale for sex scenes? Regardless, it is great and I have no idea why. Sorry I can't help.
  
  
• WHAT DID THE FIVE FINGERS SAY TO THE ASS? - Smack! This one actually turns a lot of women on. When a man is having sex from behind, the girl's ass is right there. It's right fucking there. And I'm already gripping the sides of that ass for leverage. I could do this one-handed, right? And with a long, tension-building motion similar to a bow string that arm pulls back and to the side. And then...SMACK!!! A red handprint remains on the cheek and I feel fulfilled unless I feel that the other cheek is getting jealous. Why do men do this? Hell, you put yourself in our position, with our viewpoint and you'll figure it out. Same thing goes for hair pulling and arm pinning
  
  
• I LOVE YOU, YOU FILTHY BITCH! - This might be one of the more difficult aspects of our mid-hump behavior to figure out. But sometimes during sex I, and most men I think, just get the sudden urge to start slamming our girl with a barrage of the most degrading, dehumanizing, and demeaning insults we can come up with. I can't help you with why. I know women will sometimes act like they enjoy something when they don't (like titty fucking), just to please us (thanks, by the way), but I can't believe that a normal, emotionally healthy woman would pretend to get further turned on by being called a whore during sex. So there must be something about it that you like. I'll leave it at that and I'll move on.
  
  
• THE POOP CHUTE - To me, this is far sexier in theory than in real life application. Some guys just love anal sex and demand it as a regular part of the relationship. These men are fetishists. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the odd fetish here and there, I have them myself. But I'm talking about the universal desire to fuck a girl in the ass. The visual usually pops to mind impulsively when we see our girls in some ass-flattering get-up. The low-rise sweat pants are the best. But when it comes time to actually put my dick in my girl's butt hole, it just seems to lose all of its appeal. I think this one is based almost entirely in the conquering or conquest of our women. I mean, once you get a girl to agree to anal sex, what more does she need to do to say she's yours?
  
  
• THANKS HONEY THAT WAS ZZZZZZZZ - Women may not realize this, but sex is a lot of work. There's balancing (something most men have none of), weight distribution, repetitious thrusting, and the energy sapping orgasm. I'd love to be a woman for a day just to find out what it's like to have an orgasm every twenty seconds. But women... oh girls, you just don't know. When we come, it's like our entire bodies are being crushed in this increasing wave of pleasure and we can barely stand it. And just like that it all releases. I think that the reason most men don't take yoga is because we already know what that great release is like. Add that to the physical rigors of sex, and you've got a recipe for sleepy time. And since sex in and of itself provides it's own emotional rewards for us men, we don't need any further attention. Why, do you?
  
  

There are many more I'm sure, but just looking at these things is enough to make me afraid of prom night. I bet they don't teach this shit about men in fifth grade when they split up the girls from the boys. No, women have to learn all this on their own, the hard way. But you love us, and of course you never forget how insane and unreasonable and strange you can be at times. So you tolerate it, you sometimes even encourage it. And I most certainly appreciate it.