Just Off Center

On the topic of cannibalism, if you are in a group of starving people and have no choice but to eat the dead, how do you go about selecting a survivor for the filleting process? I mean supposing you have a healthy sampling of professions at your disposal, which one do you vote to actually separate the meat from the bone? A chef would definitely be able to cleanly pull the flesh off and maybe make the meals more savory, but isn't it likely that he'd make the portions too big. Plus there's always the knowledge that he'll from that point on only think about the next meal he's planning which is a little creepy. A doctor could probably do a good job too. But who wants to eat just a severed liver. Doctors don't usually do well with seasoning dead people. My vote is just whichever one will puke on the meat the least and will get enough satisfaction that he doesn't end up trying to stab me instead.

I was once told that country music is the only kind of music that represents the common man. This was done with a great deal of satisfaction like "take THAT you NIN loving freak!". Well what's so great about being common? I thought that being a common man just meant that there was absolutely nothing extraordinary about you. And why the hell do common people need their own form of music anyway? These are the same people who would answer that question with "well, black people have rap". Rather than ask these questions I asked him if he had ever heard the composer Aaron Copland's "Fanfare for the Common Man". I now have a permanent mental image for "dumbfounded".

When are talking electronics going to come back? There was a brief period of time in the late 80's when scientists were giving all of the high-end electronics voices to go with their displays. Anyone remember, "Your door is ajar. Your door is ajar"? How about talking calculators and personal translators. But then it all just disappeared. When I scan my badge at work I want to hear the turnstile say "welcome, professor". I want my watch to tell me it's lunchtime. I know we're moving in the right direction with the new phones that say "you have an incoming call", but damnit I want to hear a stoplight that calls cadence for a change.

What on this beautiful planet is better than International Delight brand French Vanilla creamer? It's like a magical elixer. This stuff turns even the most murky caffeinated liquid shit into a fine cafe. If Nina told me that the blowjobs were coming to a screeching halt unless I gave up the creamer, I'd sign up for yoga and a rib removal procedure. There are some things that just aren't negotiable.

I've put a lot of effort into this and I still can't think of a better way to die than blowing up. People wonder how these suicide bombers are able to do their duty, but it seems plainly obvious to me. It's got little to do with the promise of great gifts in the afterlife and everything to do with knowing that you're about to make a noise heard six mile away. Gun enthusiasts feel safer and more powerful when they have the bigger better firearm in their hands. Just imagine how it feels to walk around sporting a polyester/C-4 blend sweater vest. I think that deep down everybody know that getting blown up is super cool so we can't implement it as a form of capital punishment. It would almost be like a reward.

They may be hard to spot but there are still people around who are just as proud as they can be of how low tech they are. I'm talking about people who boast that they have never owned a computer, cell phone, pager, cd player, digital watch, etc... They still listen to cassette tapes of David Lee Roth's "Eat 'em and Smile" and have a garage door opener the size of their foot strapped to the visor of their rusted out Nissan. People like this get a small amount of respect from me that I just can't bring myself to display openly. It's like watching a pterodactyl flying over the horizon. You know their time is coming to a close. You don't really care, but you're kind of glad you were around to see their last descent.

Hearing disorders rule. Mine rules especially well. Sure, not being able to hear anything in noisy environments has caused me to do poorly in school, bloom late in social skills, and generally develop a shitload of weird mannerisms like staring at my own hand. But it's given me a great deal of time to brush up on other skills like instant arithmetic (when I'm hot, I'm like a fucking calculator), creative thought, and lip reading. Well I still can't read lips, but that's just because in relatively quiet places I have the ears of a hawk so it's not really all that necessary. Plus I don't usually care enough about what people are saying to bother.

No matter how many times I see Wile E. Coyote fall off of a cliff it never fails to crack me up. It's just such a perfect world they live in. Coyote chases Roadrunner. Roadrunner outwits Coyote. Coyote plummets to the earth with a giant chunk of rock to smash him in the head on impact. To this day, I can't think of a better way to see the demise of my enemies. I think we should all carry around little signs in our back pockets with phrases like "Oops!" and "Mother".

I've found that as a general rule, whenever faced with the opportunity to offer up a quantitative testimonial, women will always exaggerate by 50 to 2000 percent. For instance, when a woman says that she gives her husband about twenty blowjobs every year, the truth will usually be between 2 and 10. If a woman says she's had to deal with "like fifty people" on the phone that day, it's probably more like eight. Some men do the same kind of thing, but I see no reason to drone on about that.

Almost every conservative person I've ever met has their entire belief structure rooted in fear. Those poor suckers who actually attempt to take me on in debating the issues have always backed up their stances (ripped right from the mouths of politicians and news anchors) with some comment on how they're just protecting themselves and their families from terrorists/criminals/Mexicans/etc... Here's an idea, try opening up your mind to the reality that you don't need to kill people to be safe and no matter how much you shield yourself, you're still going to die anyway and so is your entire family. What a bunch of asshats. Also, if you want to beat up on a conservative in debate just start making up statistics to back up your claims like "in 1931 the number of guns in America spiked 212% and the rate of gun related crimes went up 197%". They'll never know you're just pulling proof out of your ass.