Wednesday, October 06, 2004
The internal struggle continues
Fuck! This fucking day just fucking sucks. I can't fucking stand fighting with Nina. We don't clash very often, but when we do we go all out. I'm not talking flying plates or smashed ottomans, but there are certainly a lot of well timed phrases meant to draw out the other's rage to a point that they can no longer use logic, thus losing the fight. It's a weird way to fight, and it's definitely more my style than Nina's. When we first got together, we fought the way we had fought with out parents. I had to be ready to defend my stance until it was utterly defeated by a logical progression of a priori truths. Then came the base insults. Nina and her mom...well I can't say because I wasn't there, but I'm guessing it was more typical of a mother/daughter conflict.
This morning's fight was all about intimacy. I don't want to get into the details of it. Don't ask me why since you can find most every other private detail about my life in this blog. Anyway, it started out with just some innocent instant messaging, then progressed into a topical discussion of the problem. Then it got nasty and ended with me just logging off. FUCK! I walked away and went back to work with a surly grimace on my face, taking extra care to intimidate all of my customers, especially the ones who like to push people around.
The main thing that bothers me about our fights is that I always feel like the loser no matter how it turns out. Even if Nina had taken a Louisville Slugger to my face for spilling milk on the carpet I'd still end up feeling guilty about the fucking milk. I'm such a bitch. There's this part of me that feels like I should be the big man who just ends this shit and takes control of his home and his woman. "Listen here, woman. I don't care what you're upset about, you don't ever EVER disrespect me in my own home!" But that'll never happen, nor do I think that it should.
So now I'm walking around all day long feeling like absolute dogshit. The problem still isn't resolved. Christ I'm so conflicted. I need some inner dialogue:
Mike 1 - Alright now we need to figure out how we're gonna make things better. We have to go home to her in about four hours, so start thinking about some methods of healing and resolving this bullshit.
Mike 2 - Fine, here's an idea. How about she stops being such an asshole and giving us an emotional beating every time she "feels" like we're not being fair, and we stop showing her all the ways that she's wrong. That works for me.
Mike 1 - That doesn't help anything, you selfish dick. She wouldn't act like this if she wasn't hurt. You know she busts her ass all day long every fucking day just trying to get everything done before we get home so that she can spend some quality time together. What the hell more does she need to do for you to just openly listen to her opinions?
Mike 2 - How about start listening to our thoughts and feelings, how's that for starters? Every fucking time we have a complaint it's like fucking Hamburger Hill over and over again. I mean it shouldn't be this hard, should it? So what if she has her own complaints. Why should we listen to her if she's not gonna produce any results for us?
Mike 1 - Look, when we met her we had a hell of a lot of growing up to do. Up to that point I gave you the reigns and look where it got us. If I hadn't intervened to help us grow up a bit we wouldn't have this job, we wouldn't have this education, we wouldn't have this home, and we sure as shit wouldn't still have her. So just shut up and take my advice. We've grown because of her. And all she wants is for us to grow just a little bit more. Just being more considerate isn't that far to stretch is it?
Mike 2 - No, in fact it's easy as hell. Here's proof. When she wanted to change careers and not hold a job while she attended school we went way the hell out of our way to show her the kind of consideration of her wants that most people never get in their whole lives? That was fucking consideration. And that's just one example. We've considered her feelings and thoughts and wants and needs and anything else you can think of for almost a fucking decade, and the demands haven't even slowed.
Mike 1 - You arrogant fucking prick! What the fuck does that have to do with this discussion? Fine, how about when she played the role of the submissive and ineffectual military housewife who just happened to work manual labor sixty hours a week while you were jaunting around in your cock-swinging, camouflage boys club? She's given just as much as we have, so leave the past out of this shit. Stick to the subject and we might be able to get through this. Otherwise I'm gonna coldcock your militant ass and just get on my knees begging her for her forgiveness, whether we need her forgiveness or not. Now quit changing the subject!
Mike 2 - Fine! Look, here's what's happening right now. She's walking around with Scott, doing chores and talking about some bullshit. All the while she's feeling like shit because of this morning's exchange. She feels hurt and vulnerable. She probably wants to make things right, and is willing to sweep some of her problems under a rug to do it. Why not take advantage of that situation? If you let me write the narrative, I can have her truly believing that she was wrong.
Mike 1 - You're probably right. And guess what. That's exactly where we are too. And besides, it's not about who's right and who's wrong, dumbass! It's about communication. I know we tried to be polite and apologetic, but it was you who chose to just log off like that, essentially hanging up on her. And you know how pissed you get when someone hangs up on you. As far as I'm concerned this whole mess could have been avoided if you had just been a little more respectful of her feelings when she was talking to us not only this morning, but last night as well.
Mike 2 - Maybe that's true. So what. Hell even though I don't believe it I'll go ahead and concede that this whole thing is my fault. And guess what. It still doesn't change the fact that she was way the fuck out of line on IM this morning. You heard her. "I'm giving it my all and you're giving it your minimum". What the fuck was that? If she thinks this is our fucking minimum, maybe we need to drop the ball and show her what the fuck a minimum effort really is. I bet she'd have some respect then, wouldn't she?
Mike 1 - From now on I'm just gonna call you Grudge, okay? I mean yeah that hurt when she said that. And before you get going, yes she did say a lot of shit that hurt us. But don't kid yourself. Even though I was doing my best to keep the peace and rephrase all of our thoughts, some of those thoughts were still yours, and still selfish and hurtful. Now here's what's going to happen. We're going to call her and see what she has to say. We'll take it from there.
Mike 2 - No more apologies.
Mike 1 - Fine, no more apologies. She knows we feel bad anyway, and we know that she feels bad too.
Mike 2 - We don't know that. For all we know, she's just waiting for us to put up the flag of truce so she can pull out the big cannons.
Mike 1 - And if that happens a promise you right here and now that I will hand over the controls to you and make no judgements or attempts to impede. But aside from that, you are just gonna follow my lead. It's the only thing that's ever really worked. And remember, we've got a whole lifetime left to spend with her. I'm not gonna spend it uncomfortable.
Mike 2 - Alright, I'll let you take the helm this time. But don't think for one second that I'm not gonna be whispering in your ear the entire fucking time. If she throws out even one "asshole" I'm taking over.
Mike 1 - Trust me, it won't come to that. She's sick of this discussion as it is. Just give me one hour of conversation. It'll be fine.
Mike 2 - Fuck you.
Mike 1 - Fuck you right back.
This morning's fight was all about intimacy. I don't want to get into the details of it. Don't ask me why since you can find most every other private detail about my life in this blog. Anyway, it started out with just some innocent instant messaging, then progressed into a topical discussion of the problem. Then it got nasty and ended with me just logging off. FUCK! I walked away and went back to work with a surly grimace on my face, taking extra care to intimidate all of my customers, especially the ones who like to push people around.
The main thing that bothers me about our fights is that I always feel like the loser no matter how it turns out. Even if Nina had taken a Louisville Slugger to my face for spilling milk on the carpet I'd still end up feeling guilty about the fucking milk. I'm such a bitch. There's this part of me that feels like I should be the big man who just ends this shit and takes control of his home and his woman. "Listen here, woman. I don't care what you're upset about, you don't ever EVER disrespect me in my own home!" But that'll never happen, nor do I think that it should.
So now I'm walking around all day long feeling like absolute dogshit. The problem still isn't resolved. Christ I'm so conflicted. I need some inner dialogue:
Mike 1 - Alright now we need to figure out how we're gonna make things better. We have to go home to her in about four hours, so start thinking about some methods of healing and resolving this bullshit.
Mike 2 - Fine, here's an idea. How about she stops being such an asshole and giving us an emotional beating every time she "feels" like we're not being fair, and we stop showing her all the ways that she's wrong. That works for me.
Mike 1 - That doesn't help anything, you selfish dick. She wouldn't act like this if she wasn't hurt. You know she busts her ass all day long every fucking day just trying to get everything done before we get home so that she can spend some quality time together. What the hell more does she need to do for you to just openly listen to her opinions?
Mike 2 - How about start listening to our thoughts and feelings, how's that for starters? Every fucking time we have a complaint it's like fucking Hamburger Hill over and over again. I mean it shouldn't be this hard, should it? So what if she has her own complaints. Why should we listen to her if she's not gonna produce any results for us?
Mike 1 - Look, when we met her we had a hell of a lot of growing up to do. Up to that point I gave you the reigns and look where it got us. If I hadn't intervened to help us grow up a bit we wouldn't have this job, we wouldn't have this education, we wouldn't have this home, and we sure as shit wouldn't still have her. So just shut up and take my advice. We've grown because of her. And all she wants is for us to grow just a little bit more. Just being more considerate isn't that far to stretch is it?
Mike 2 - No, in fact it's easy as hell. Here's proof. When she wanted to change careers and not hold a job while she attended school we went way the hell out of our way to show her the kind of consideration of her wants that most people never get in their whole lives? That was fucking consideration. And that's just one example. We've considered her feelings and thoughts and wants and needs and anything else you can think of for almost a fucking decade, and the demands haven't even slowed.
Mike 1 - You arrogant fucking prick! What the fuck does that have to do with this discussion? Fine, how about when she played the role of the submissive and ineffectual military housewife who just happened to work manual labor sixty hours a week while you were jaunting around in your cock-swinging, camouflage boys club? She's given just as much as we have, so leave the past out of this shit. Stick to the subject and we might be able to get through this. Otherwise I'm gonna coldcock your militant ass and just get on my knees begging her for her forgiveness, whether we need her forgiveness or not. Now quit changing the subject!
Mike 2 - Fine! Look, here's what's happening right now. She's walking around with Scott, doing chores and talking about some bullshit. All the while she's feeling like shit because of this morning's exchange. She feels hurt and vulnerable. She probably wants to make things right, and is willing to sweep some of her problems under a rug to do it. Why not take advantage of that situation? If you let me write the narrative, I can have her truly believing that she was wrong.
Mike 1 - You're probably right. And guess what. That's exactly where we are too. And besides, it's not about who's right and who's wrong, dumbass! It's about communication. I know we tried to be polite and apologetic, but it was you who chose to just log off like that, essentially hanging up on her. And you know how pissed you get when someone hangs up on you. As far as I'm concerned this whole mess could have been avoided if you had just been a little more respectful of her feelings when she was talking to us not only this morning, but last night as well.
Mike 2 - Maybe that's true. So what. Hell even though I don't believe it I'll go ahead and concede that this whole thing is my fault. And guess what. It still doesn't change the fact that she was way the fuck out of line on IM this morning. You heard her. "I'm giving it my all and you're giving it your minimum". What the fuck was that? If she thinks this is our fucking minimum, maybe we need to drop the ball and show her what the fuck a minimum effort really is. I bet she'd have some respect then, wouldn't she?
Mike 1 - From now on I'm just gonna call you Grudge, okay? I mean yeah that hurt when she said that. And before you get going, yes she did say a lot of shit that hurt us. But don't kid yourself. Even though I was doing my best to keep the peace and rephrase all of our thoughts, some of those thoughts were still yours, and still selfish and hurtful. Now here's what's going to happen. We're going to call her and see what she has to say. We'll take it from there.
Mike 2 - No more apologies.
Mike 1 - Fine, no more apologies. She knows we feel bad anyway, and we know that she feels bad too.
Mike 2 - We don't know that. For all we know, she's just waiting for us to put up the flag of truce so she can pull out the big cannons.
Mike 1 - And if that happens a promise you right here and now that I will hand over the controls to you and make no judgements or attempts to impede. But aside from that, you are just gonna follow my lead. It's the only thing that's ever really worked. And remember, we've got a whole lifetime left to spend with her. I'm not gonna spend it uncomfortable.
Mike 2 - Alright, I'll let you take the helm this time. But don't think for one second that I'm not gonna be whispering in your ear the entire fucking time. If she throws out even one "asshole" I'm taking over.
Mike 1 - Trust me, it won't come to that. She's sick of this discussion as it is. Just give me one hour of conversation. It'll be fine.
Mike 2 - Fuck you.
Mike 1 - Fuck you right back.
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