Just Off Center

There are times when all of your arguments have broken down. There are times when everything that you thought you were right about was actually wrong. There are times when you feel sorry for yourself for screwing up what you thought you had so perfectly pegged. And when this happens there is usually a person there with you who has both caused this feeling and is the only person who can bring you back. This person is an asshole.

The fact that I can be a complete asshole hasn't been a recent revelation. It's been an ongoing acknowledgement since about age ten. When I was a kid I would be the first to point out the way a classmate's last name would rhyme with something funny with which I could mock him or her. Around the age that girls became an interest I automatically took it upon myself to insult and pick on the ones who I thought would never have liked me anyway. The life of an asshole is frought with examples of hurting people before they have a chance to hurt you. Most of you know an asshole. Some of you love one.

I have come a long way from being a full time, unrepentant asshole. But still I know that I have caused a fair amount of pain in my 28 years. And as a result I feel like I have soiled some of my best chances at improving myself and helping others. I'd like to think that I have grown beyond the asshole and have done some fair amount of good in this world to match my ill. But the asshole is still in there. I can feel it. And there's no telling when he'll decide to come out for a little playtime. I have decided that others should know what an asshole really is. They should be able to identify one by his actions. They should be able to identify him, because they themselves are not assholes, and should be able to remove themselves from the situation.

• An asshole is a hypocrite. He is an emotional roller coaster who will, at times when he is behaving, proclaim that the behavior of other assholes is reprehensible and that they deserve to be lonely and unloved. But when the true asshole comes out he needs your attention and your understanding. It isn't his fault he is so misunderstood. He is right all of the time, and nobody ever seems to value his advice. If only you had the ability to see beyond what your friends wanted you to see, you'd know that he is the only person in this world who cares about you enough to tell you what about you should change.
  
  
• An asshole can rationalize his behavior. The reason he has made you feel so angry or sad is because he is just looking out for you, remember? He doesn't want you to be like everyone else, who simply refuses to see all the ways that they are wrong. You're better than that. He has taken the time out of his day to explain that the reason you feel he is being unfair is because you have a skewed perspective of right and wrong. If only you would come to understand how blessed you are that you are the train wreck he is trying to prevent. Because then you wouldn't give him such a hard time.
  
  
• An asshole wants you to feel bad. The truth about the asshole is not that he wants the best from you. It's that he wants only so much that you are better than most, but still just slightly beneath him. He wants you to recognize that the problem in most every situation is that you are too weak and stupid. He is small. He wants you to be just a little bit smaller. The fact is that you are probably a much better person than he is. But he won't want you to figure that out. He'll build you up to the point that you believe you are better than the people who hurt you. Just remember that you are not better than him.
  
  
• An asshole holds double standards. Yes, he hurt you when he said what he said. No you are not allowed to say the same thing back. Yes, he wants you to accept that he is the way he is and that you are doing him a disservice by trying to change him. No, that disservice does not extend to prevent you from changing to suit his will. Most every unacceptable thing about you should be accepted about him. And woe betides he or she who tries to make this known.
  
  
• An asshole is filled with self pity. But he doesn't want his pity out in the open. He doesn't just want you to tell him that you feel that everybody shits on him. He'd rather you just stood up for him when he's not around. He is utterly misunderstood and he is alone because of the weakness and ignorance of others. If you've ever been with someone who you felt you were always defending when he isn't around, it's most likely because you have fallen for a complete asshole.
  
  
• An asshole will self destruct when cornered. When you've finally had enough of his shit and have found a way to stand up for yourself beyond what he is able to argue, he will collapse. He will admit not that he is being unfair, nor that he was wrong in that one isolated circumstance. Instead he will volunteer that he is an utter failure at life. He will feel sorry for himself openly and ask that you just leave him already, because he is a terrible person and doesn't deserve your, or anybody else's , company. You will feel bad for hurting him so terribly. You will build him back up. He will take his ego boost and punish you again.
  
  
• An asshole knows that he is intelligent and inciteful. Why doesn't anybody get that? He knows exactly what is wrong with everyone he meets. He can instantly identify the personality flaw that will allow somebody to upset you. He is fantastic at pointing out how your enemies are weak-minded, immoral, and stupid. He will give you everything you need to feel superior to the world. He has had to develop this skill because everyone knows what an asshole he is.
  
  

You may work with an asshole. You make work for an asshole. You may have an asshole as your best friend. And god forbid, you may have an asshole in your bed. The best defense is to build yourself up. An asshole will try to tell you who you are. This is only a control mechanism. The best way to get around this is to allow the asshole to think he is being successful in this endeavor while you seek an exit. The best thing about assholes is that they burn every bridge they see. And if you are involved with one, you will see that there are many many people who will be there to help you escape. Or you may decide that you'd rather just stay with an asshole. In that case, you are probably an asshole too.