Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Vibrator vs. penis
The topic of female masturbation has come up a lot in a couple blogs in the last few days. Among these blogs is the constant advertisement for the rabbit vibrator. I have a few thoughts on this contraption.
It can never be said that I am one who fails to encourage women to get themselves off, particularly if it's in front of me just before I get to have sex with her. But with the unbelievable increase in funding that must be getting pumped into the research and development of vibrator technology, I can't help but wonder what it is about the regular male penis that is suddenly not good enough. Indeed, the men in this civilization are failing dismally at satisfying our women if the selection of vibrators at any adult store is any indication. But to be fair I thought I'd compare the two in a sort of "tale of the tape" to see what's lacking. I'll use the readily available High-tech I-Rabbit, retailing for $72, and what Alfred C. Kinsey said is the most readily available penis, available for mild to extreme emotional suffering.
The I-Rabbit is a multi-functional vibrator with on-board controls for rotation and vibration. The vibrator has a shaft of 7 1/2 inches in length and 1 1/4 inches of width at it's widest point, giving it a total girth of about 5 1/2 inches for greater pleasure. The shaft is jelly filled and the skin is detailed to be similar to some of the veining on a real penis. Midway up the shaft the I-Rabbit has a supply of small pearl-like beads packed inside. As the slightly curved shaft rotates in a circle it forces the beads to also rotate in an asymmetrical motion to stimulate the g-spot inside the woman, causing orgasm. The vibrator comes with a large smooth head, similar to that of a fully erect penis for ease of insertion.
Attached to the bottom of the shaft is a smaller shaft pointed at an acute angle upward and made of the same synthetic material forming the shape of a rabbit, hummingbird, or other small creature that any woman would want stimulating her clit. The tip of the offshoot is equipped with two long, slender spears of the same rubbery material. When turned on, the two fleshy pins snuggle around the clit and vibrate causing orgasm.
The entire gadget has a soft button control panel on the top side at the bottom. The user can increase or decrease the amount of vibration and rotation of both the main shaft and the clitoral stimulator to help in bringing more and more intense orgasms. The action can be adjusted independent of each other and range from gentle lovemaking to gorilla in the Congo. The unit operates on four AA batteries and can run at maximum intensity for up to six hours before power loss. When this happens, the unit can be supplied with four more AA batteries to immediately restore full funtionality. It can withstand both water and oil based lubrications used to bring orgasms and, when cared for with soapy water, is expected to last for five years. It comes with a manufacturer's warrantee against faulty craftsmanship.
It can never be said that I am one who fails to encourage women to get themselves off, particularly if it's in front of me just before I get to have sex with her. But with the unbelievable increase in funding that must be getting pumped into the research and development of vibrator technology, I can't help but wonder what it is about the regular male penis that is suddenly not good enough. Indeed, the men in this civilization are failing dismally at satisfying our women if the selection of vibrators at any adult store is any indication. But to be fair I thought I'd compare the two in a sort of "tale of the tape" to see what's lacking. I'll use the readily available High-tech I-Rabbit, retailing for $72, and what Alfred C. Kinsey said is the most readily available penis, available for mild to extreme emotional suffering.
I-Rabbit
The I-Rabbit is a multi-functional vibrator with on-board controls for rotation and vibration. The vibrator has a shaft of 7 1/2 inches in length and 1 1/4 inches of width at it's widest point, giving it a total girth of about 5 1/2 inches for greater pleasure. The shaft is jelly filled and the skin is detailed to be similar to some of the veining on a real penis. Midway up the shaft the I-Rabbit has a supply of small pearl-like beads packed inside. As the slightly curved shaft rotates in a circle it forces the beads to also rotate in an asymmetrical motion to stimulate the g-spot inside the woman, causing orgasm. The vibrator comes with a large smooth head, similar to that of a fully erect penis for ease of insertion.
Attached to the bottom of the shaft is a smaller shaft pointed at an acute angle upward and made of the same synthetic material forming the shape of a rabbit, hummingbird, or other small creature that any woman would want stimulating her clit. The tip of the offshoot is equipped with two long, slender spears of the same rubbery material. When turned on, the two fleshy pins snuggle around the clit and vibrate causing orgasm.
The entire gadget has a soft button control panel on the top side at the bottom. The user can increase or decrease the amount of vibration and rotation of both the main shaft and the clitoral stimulator to help in bringing more and more intense orgasms. The action can be adjusted independent of each other and range from gentle lovemaking to gorilla in the Congo. The unit operates on four AA batteries and can run at maximum intensity for up to six hours before power loss. When this happens, the unit can be supplied with four more AA batteries to immediately restore full funtionality. It can withstand both water and oil based lubrications used to bring orgasms and, when cared for with soapy water, is expected to last for five years. It comes with a manufacturer's warrantee against faulty craftsmanship.
Penis
The male penis has been the sex organ of choice for heterosexual women since the dawn of time. Over the past thousand years it has become general knowledge that the penis, when used properly, can cause orgasms in the human female. Inexplicably, over the past forty years, some human males have begun to find themselves actually caring about bringing these orgasms about. As a result, men have made great efforts to find new ways to use their penises to assist women in achieving sexual climax.
The male genitalia consists externally of a penis, scrotum and pubic hair. The shaft of the average penis is six inches in length and 4.84 inches of girth. It comes with a tip, called the head, which may or may not be circumcised and is smoother and larger, to facilitate ease of penetration. The entire package is attached to a human male. The male can not be seperated from this package without irreperable damage to the package, rendering it unusable.
The penis has no additional functionality aside from the user's ability to thrust and occasionally rotate via hip swerving. It contains no beads, ability to twist, vibrate, or rotate completely. It is not equipped with any external clitoral stimulation device except for the technique of shaving off the pubic hair at the spot where the clit would make contact. It has no natural ability to stimulate the g-spot.
The penis' operation is cyclical. It will go from a flaccid and soft state to a more vibrator-like (but usually smaller) fully erect state when stimulated. This operation can be triggered a limited number of times per day. The penis can operate constantly until the stimulation to it has triggered an orgasm in the owner, at which time a white, gelatinous goo will squirt from the tip and the penis will revert back to it's original limp state. The penis must then go through a restoration period of ten to 17,648 minutes before another session can be initiated, depending on the model.
The expelled fluid's natural purpose is to impregnate the female, thus propagating the survival of the species on this planet. However, when the reason for the sex is to simply enjoy the sexual encounter, it's purpose is to let the female know that sex has been concluded and that she should now go to the bathroom to clean it off or out of her body. A function that differs from the I-Rabbit is that the penis will from time to time attempt to initiate a sexual encounter by pressing itself onto the buttocks or legs of a sleeping female. The penis does not fit discreetly into the top drawer of a nightstand.
The male genitalia consists externally of a penis, scrotum and pubic hair. The shaft of the average penis is six inches in length and 4.84 inches of girth. It comes with a tip, called the head, which may or may not be circumcised and is smoother and larger, to facilitate ease of penetration. The entire package is attached to a human male. The male can not be seperated from this package without irreperable damage to the package, rendering it unusable.
The penis has no additional functionality aside from the user's ability to thrust and occasionally rotate via hip swerving. It contains no beads, ability to twist, vibrate, or rotate completely. It is not equipped with any external clitoral stimulation device except for the technique of shaving off the pubic hair at the spot where the clit would make contact. It has no natural ability to stimulate the g-spot.
The penis' operation is cyclical. It will go from a flaccid and soft state to a more vibrator-like (but usually smaller) fully erect state when stimulated. This operation can be triggered a limited number of times per day. The penis can operate constantly until the stimulation to it has triggered an orgasm in the owner, at which time a white, gelatinous goo will squirt from the tip and the penis will revert back to it's original limp state. The penis must then go through a restoration period of ten to 17,648 minutes before another session can be initiated, depending on the model.
The expelled fluid's natural purpose is to impregnate the female, thus propagating the survival of the species on this planet. However, when the reason for the sex is to simply enjoy the sexual encounter, it's purpose is to let the female know that sex has been concluded and that she should now go to the bathroom to clean it off or out of her body. A function that differs from the I-Rabbit is that the penis will from time to time attempt to initiate a sexual encounter by pressing itself onto the buttocks or legs of a sleeping female. The penis does not fit discreetly into the top drawer of a nightstand.
Conclusion
We're doomed. The only hope men have in this state of obsolescence is to emphasize the qualities (lifting, squashing, fetching, attempting conversation) while making efforts to retain the emotional bond human females have been forced to endure throughout time. However, ten years from now, when the multifunction, button operated instant orgasm provider/intimacy simulator/decision maker is developed we will be overthrown and forced into slave labor until we can be replaced outright by robots.
Comments:
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Nah, don't fret. I'll take a warm, live penis any day over something that requires batteries. After all the penis is also connected to a mouth, two hands and all the other lovely parts.
then again, I haven't tried the rabbit yet. So I may be biased.
then again, I haven't tried the rabbit yet. So I may be biased.
Oh, shit, forgot to mention that the penis may also be attached to someone who is rude, crude, and generally obnoxious. So that's one for the rabbit.
I don't know, the male slave labor idea is pretty sweet. ;) I think it was Queen Latifah who said that if there were no men in this world, all the women would be fat, peaceful and happy.
I don't know, the male slave labor idea is pretty sweet. ;) I think it was Queen Latifah who said that if there were no men in this world, all the women would be fat, peaceful and happy.
I prefer men because whether a man likes to cuddle after sex or not, cuddling with a vibrator after sex is just... gross
luckily, i don't need to cuddle. i just fall right on asleep.
good thing steve does the laundry ... otherwise...
hehe.
good thing steve does the laundry ... otherwise...
hehe.
hee hee..."gorilla in the Congo"
When there is no actual penis for the taking, it is good to have a back-up plan!
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When there is no actual penis for the taking, it is good to have a back-up plan!
# posted by 
: 3:40 PM
: 3:40 PM << Home
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