Just Off Center

Last night when we turned on Monday Night Football the game was already at halftime. Nina gave her famous pouty face. You know, the one that every girl does when she wants to look both sad and cute at the same time. But Nina makes it work. Either that or I'm a sucker. But when they came back from their twenty-six-commercial break they showed a video clip from Alanis Morissette with a montage of football shit going on in the background. Nina was telling me how much she loves Alanis and especially 'You Oughta Know'. She remembered how on 'I Love the 90's' the blonde chick was commending her on using the word "duplicity" in a rock song. Nina thought that was really cool, too.

Nina then told me that she thinks I have a dual personality. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that was true. I wanted to know more of her thoughts on the matter, but because of the TV distracting us I forgot to ask her how she would have divided up my personality. I'm sure she knows that everybody has different sides to their personality, so her telling me this must have meant that she could notice some great difference between my sides. I'm hoping that she's identified two distinct personality types and not just two sides of the same personality. Incidentally, I've often wondered why must the two personalities always be at odds with each other. Isn't there anyone out there who has a split personality where the two personalities really get along and share the body equally? Why are they always the exact opposites? By the way, duplicity stands for deliberate deceptiveness, not dual personality.

Anyway, I'm hoping she can identify two distinct sides to me that exist independent of the other. She's a bright gal. She's not like these girls who say shit like "Oh I'm totally like all these different people wrapped up in one. And I can be a total bitch, so don't mess with me LOL." God, some women annoy me. So anyway I wonder what she meant or what personalities she thinks I have. But I got to thinking that if a person can have two completely developed personalities in one mind, what would happen if each mind were given it's own body? What if the two sides of Mike split in two like Ash in Army of Darkness.

"I'm bad Mike. And you're good Mike. You're a goody little two shoes! Goody little two shoes! Goody little two shoes! Little goody two shoes! Little goody two shoes! HEE HEE HEE!!!

I'd like to think that one Mike, Good Mike, would be a very passive and kind man who moves into a villa in the south of France and writes romance novels while tending to his small crop of potatoes and other grain alcohol producing vegetation. He'd be close to nature and polite to people and animals. In fact, when he got out of bed each morning, little birds would come in through the window and fetch him his robe and slippers while the squirrels portioned out his coffee grounds with their tails. Good Mike would spend his days on the patio typing out chapter after chapter of love and adoration in the face of unspeakable evils. He'd grow a long gray beard and a round belly, smoke tobacco and weed from a pipe, and live a generally peaceful life until his death at the age of 99 from heart failure. He would be loved and missed.

Bad Mike owns and operates an S&M store in south Detroit. He's thin and boyish looking, but for the evil glint in his blue eyes. He makes very little money from his store, but lives well and supports his heroin addiction by using his basement as a safe-house for men on the lam and acting as a contractor for hired assassins. A raven with a pierced beak and barbed talons follows him wherever he goes. He never hurts anyone except for those who try to hurt him. But he never shies away from the darkest parts of humanity allowing him to remain calm and cool when others would cower. He'd end up taking his own life at fifty just because he can. Despite all this dark lifestyle, he is equally content with his life. He will on occasion send long letters about his life and experiences to Good Mike to be used for bad guy inspiration in his next book. He too would be loved and missed, just by different people.

I'm guessing that Nina's ideas probably weren't quite so elaborate or extreme. But I'm sure that there's some amount of similarity between her idea of my duality and what I've illustrated. It's interesting to try to give serious thought to allowing a complete split of yourself, but all the while maintaining true to your nature and a good relationship between the two. I wouldn't call it therapy, but it does allow a good chance for introspection. Give it a try. Who are you? And who's that other person with you?