Just Off Center

The business world today, some would argue, has become even more competitive and cutthroat than any other time in American history. I personally believe that the methods of deal closing have grown more civil than in generations past. But one can appreciate the view of those who see shadiness and corruption enjoying an all time high in public acceptance. So if this is true, then those of us blustering in the lower echelons of business operations are serving the masters of evil in their pursuit. Perhaps that is why the social graces of most people at work seem to have bottomed out.

Surely, anybody reading this can site a dozen examples of rudeness and rancor in their office for every act of kindness and good will. It doesn't have to be electronic file theft or pilfering of the petty cash either. Much like a prison inmate, after a certain period of time a businessman begins to learn the rules of social interaction within their own team. As time advances, so do most of grow more and more disheartened and disenfranchised with the people we serve and the servants we see every day. So, in an effort to increase the peace and lower blood pressures around the office I've come up with a list of things we see every week for us all to work on.

1. Greetings - I can't speak for others around me, but I can comment on the art of hallway greetings that I experience. Every single day I walk up and down this long corridor and invariably pass by some casual work acquaintance. I always try to say hello and ask how they're doing. Do I get that in return? No fucking way. What I get is one of the following:
   
   
   • The Zombie - The person walks directly past you with a blank expression on their face, staring dead ahead and continuing past me as if I wasn't even there...and as if they had just spent eighteen months in the bush fighting Charlie.
     
     
   • The Distraction - Sure they know who I am, and they would say hi to me, but they just saw that painting of a cactus on the wall and can't seem to take their eyes off of it as they pass me by. You can replace the painting with a window, cell phone, pager, watch, or failing all of that their fucking shoes. This is done mostly by women, who seem to think that any time a man says hello his next step is to grab her by the face and rape her in the supply closet.
     
     
   • The Facial Function Check - This is when you pass someone who look at you, but instead of smiling or using their mouth to form the word "hello" they instead flex every muscle in their face for about 50 milliseconds, resulting in their mouth opening and shutting, their eyes bulging and returning, and the rest of their face just contorting to some freakish thing that's supposed to mean "Hi there, Mike. Good to see you."
     
     
   • The Conversation Starter - Perhaps the most annoying of them all, and more of an act of social ineptitude than rudeness, this is where the person will greet you but then asks you a question that can't possibly be answered in the three seconds they are in your sight. It's a greeting like "Hey Mike, got any plans for this weekend?" Sure it's nice to be asked, but if I wanted to chat I'd come to your office and I don't want all the other passersby to know that I'll be going to the 2004 Church Fish Fry and Wife Swapping tomorrow night.
   
   
   
2. Community refrigerators - There is no reason why this should be such a difficult thing to handle. As a team, we meet deadlines, develop products, exceed profits, and conquer obstacles. Why the hell can't people keep a community refrigerator from regressing into a giant living organism with a power cord? A couple tips here too:
   
   
   • Food in, food out - Like FIFO, but with the shit you brought with you last week to put into your body at noon. So you got busy and had to skip lunch, congrats on your job security. Is it that difficult to remember at some point in the next six months that the turkey and green bean casserole in the faded tupperware is still there...and that you should be the one who removes it?
     
     
   • The tree in the woods - If a scumbag degenerate spills some of his cabbage stew on the bottom of the fridge and nobody is there to see it does it make a mess? Yes. Will anyone know that it was he who spilled it? Maybe not, but just because you got away with doesn't mean you can leave it there. Or did you think that we would all enjoy the stench of old stew permeating our own lunches with the reek of rotting sex organs?
     
     
   • The Lunch Bandit - Are you fucking kidding me? Did your mother teach you nothing of manners and hygiene? Just what kind of a person gets it into his head "You know, I love home made meals, but I just don't have the patience to make anything. I think I'll just eat somebody else's food." What kind of a dick does this kind of thing? This should be grounds for immediate flogging to the point of regurgitation. It's my food and I want it back!
     
     
3. The Bathroom - I've already written about this. I'd mention more, but I'm already too pissed off from the previous two points. I might just break something.
   
   

Look people, we're all in this together. Even if our jobs are meaningless, and even if our bosses are Satan incarnate we still have to make a minimal effort at maintaining office civility. And if you can't, just remember; with each passing year Smith and Wesson finds new ways to increase the amount of spray their guns can deploy. So smile, say hello, clean up your mess, stay away from my taco salad, and wipe the seat. We'll all go bankrupt as a happier more productive team.