Thursday, May 13, 2004
How to get laid
One of the truly depressing revelations I've had over the past 28 years is that despite the coninuous pussification of American men through the constant barrage of feminine pressure to conform is that men today are still every bit as clueless about the inner workings of women as our troglodytic predecessors.
Bearing in mind that the purpose of every new forming relationship is to have sex as quickly as possible, I have come up with a set of rules that one must abide by if one wishes to land some of that mid to upper grade pussy floating around.
1. Remember that every woman is 99.3% identical to every other American woman. They all have roughly the same feelings, thoughts, general body structure, etc. Above all, you must find some distinguishing characteristic and point it out. Make up some shit about how the girl you're with is "not like other girls" or "unlike any woman I've ever known". They yearn for this shit. Apparantly their lives are filled with constant pressure to conform to an unreachable standard. Eventually they get sick of this. We win.
2. Brush your teeth, bathe, wear clean clothes, and wear a small amount of Angel for men.
3. Eye contact is a winner. If you watch women when they speak to each other the eye contact is almost constant and they point their bodies toward one another. If you aren't looking at her eyes than you aren't looking at her and she will feel nervous or unimportant. You lose.
4. Let her give you a revelation. This will probably be in the form of some kind or contradiction you make (which you probably didn't, remember...pussy) or some value that you do not possess that she believes you should. Glance momentarity to the floor as if pondering the nature of your existance and say, "wow, I guess I never thought about it that way. How'd you get so smart?" And she says in retrun, "I'm not like most girls". To this you offer to buy her another round to celebrate her huge brain.
5. In case you haven't, noticed all of these previous tips are based in communicating (or miscommunicating) with women. So at least pretend to listen to her. And when you mimic any facial expression she makes you seem interested. Like when she's telling you about how her best friend is dating some giant dick and looks all upset about it, you look at her as though this harms you in some way. And try to point out all of the ways that you are the same to establish intimacy.
6. Kiss her. Women want to be kissed. Got that? Women want to BE. KISSED. And if they don't want to be kissed by you then kiss them anyway. Mike the tunnel-minded stud estimates a 22% chance of changing her mind with this. Make it one of those strong and gentle at the same time kinds of smooches. Not sure how? Well that I can't teach you.
7. Thank me as loudly as you can when it's time for the money shot.
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Bearing in mind that the purpose of every new forming relationship is to have sex as quickly as possible, I have come up with a set of rules that one must abide by if one wishes to land some of that mid to upper grade pussy floating around.
1. Remember that every woman is 99.3% identical to every other American woman. They all have roughly the same feelings, thoughts, general body structure, etc. Above all, you must find some distinguishing characteristic and point it out. Make up some shit about how the girl you're with is "not like other girls" or "unlike any woman I've ever known". They yearn for this shit. Apparantly their lives are filled with constant pressure to conform to an unreachable standard. Eventually they get sick of this. We win.
2. Brush your teeth, bathe, wear clean clothes, and wear a small amount of Angel for men.
3. Eye contact is a winner. If you watch women when they speak to each other the eye contact is almost constant and they point their bodies toward one another. If you aren't looking at her eyes than you aren't looking at her and she will feel nervous or unimportant. You lose.
4. Let her give you a revelation. This will probably be in the form of some kind or contradiction you make (which you probably didn't, remember...pussy) or some value that you do not possess that she believes you should. Glance momentarity to the floor as if pondering the nature of your existance and say, "wow, I guess I never thought about it that way. How'd you get so smart?" And she says in retrun, "I'm not like most girls". To this you offer to buy her another round to celebrate her huge brain.
5. In case you haven't, noticed all of these previous tips are based in communicating (or miscommunicating) with women. So at least pretend to listen to her. And when you mimic any facial expression she makes you seem interested. Like when she's telling you about how her best friend is dating some giant dick and looks all upset about it, you look at her as though this harms you in some way. And try to point out all of the ways that you are the same to establish intimacy.
6. Kiss her. Women want to be kissed. Got that? Women want to BE. KISSED. And if they don't want to be kissed by you then kiss them anyway. Mike the tunnel-minded stud estimates a 22% chance of changing her mind with this. Make it one of those strong and gentle at the same time kinds of smooches. Not sure how? Well that I can't teach you.
7. Thank me as loudly as you can when it's time for the money shot.
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