Just Off Center

Throughout the world, it is a well known fact, that it is the winners who write the history books. Those nations and political parties whose might proves to exceed that of all opposition are granted the unique ability to rewrite the texts of historical reference to suit their noblest of causes, while damning and finally destroying the purposes of those who would support the opposition. As a result of this truth, there are literally thousands of cultures and subcultures, whose historical significance has been marginalized when defeated by the powers that be.

One such subculture was the peoples of the tiny nation of Paluthanarezfenarkenthal. The borders of the land of Paluthanarezfenarkenthal laid in the modern day Sudan desert regions, just 150 miles south of the Egypt. The population of this great kingdom was a modest 125,000 during their most productive periods of 467 to 821 A.D.. While these great and skilled nomads were never accredited for their accomplishments, such as the invention of optical enhancing spectacles (or eye glasses), garnish, and the tea kettle, it is their mastery of the 1,001 uses of the common pickle that has made the greatest impact in today's world.

In the year 577, the nomadic prince of Paluthanarezfenarkenthal was a seventeen year old, fair skinned man named Franjo. Due to his intense popularity among his people he was given the royal monikers Franjo the Popular and Kukutuku, which, translated in Paluthanarezfenarkenthalese means "Great and noble son of a king who has light skin and is well like by all of his peers". On his eighteenth birthday, Franjo was to be married to a woman whom he had never met. And while his chosen bride was a beautiful maiden who would serve him earnestly and faithfully all her days, Franjo was hesitant to become a husband before he had made his mark in the history books. He was also queer.

Franjo had been raised as a royal farmer and placed in charge of maintaining the crop of wild pickles, the cash crop of any desert dwelling peoples. Back in those days, the pickle farmers were granted many creature comforts and opportunities, such as education and fresh, unpasturized goat's milk. These comforts afforded the pickle farmers the ability to increase their pickle yield through cultivation and new fertilization practices, thus improving the country's standing in international trade.

While attending a Libyan sponsored convention on new tilling techniques, Franjo met and instantly fell in love with another pickle farmer from Niger, by the name of Bampf(click)oo'ko. And in the three weeks during the convention, they devised a plan that would allow them to forever remain in contact until they could execute their final plan of fleeing the bonds of their royal obligations and escape to a small island in the South Pacific, where it was rumored that the pickle crop was in desperate need of pickle farming experts. The plan would call for them to return to their native lands, and every six months, under the guise of diplomatic strengthening, send a supply of domestic pickles to the other's country. Within each pickle would be inserted a small strip of parchment with a portion of a note that had been written in code. The decryption sequence was decided by them before parting ways in Libya. Once decoded, Franjo and Bampf(click)oo'ko would be able to read up on the life of their true love.

All went well for six years. Every six months Franjo both delivered and received a large basket filled with increasingly full and zesty pickles. Then, in the year 584 the kingdom of Sudan decided that while they had grown in fortune through the trade of figs, olives, and instructional books on sand castle building techniques, they had still been unable to find an effective means of stopping the endless flow of the worthless and troublesome crude oil that spouted out of the ground like a plague. During a visit to Paluthanarezfenarkenthal, the Sudanese Master Trades Broker was struck with an epiphany. When placed in tight bundle configurations the wild pickle made the perfect natural plug for the thousands of oil spouts that blackened the Sudan. The king of Sudan was informed and Paluthanarezfenarkenthal was overrun by Sudanese death squads. Within three weeks, Paluthanarezfenarkenthal was crippled to the point of capitulation. Sudan claimed lordship over all the land, especially the precious, precious pickle farms.

Just before the last pickle farm was overthrown, Franjo was able to draft up a short message on a scrap of paper that would be stuffed into the last wild pickle he had in his possession. The plea to his love and best friend read only three words:

Invasion. Defeat. Help.

Entrusting the pickle to his most loyal of manservants, Franjo placed the hopes of all his people in the hands of a commoner with only one camel. Miraculously, the peasant was able to cross the borders of Niger without a first though of consuming the delectable vegetable. And upon arriving in the former capital Niger Capital City, The peasant placed the last pickle of hope and pleading in the hands of the best pickle farmer Niger had ever known, the now thirty year old Bampf(click)oo'ko. Upon slicing the pickle and decoding the message, Bampf(click)oo'ko assembled an army of his best fighters, archers, and Zulu warriors in Niger on vacation. And after a six week march through the unforgiving desert, Bampf(click)oo'ko arrived in the fallen land of Paluthanarezfenarkenthal to retake the land for his love and dear friend, Frajo.

The struggle was Shakespearean in magnitude. As the bodies of Nigerian and Sudanese soldiers stacked up as high as the tallest pickle vines King Plaklinish in Sudan was forced to take measures he didn't initially think would be necessary. Upon sending word to his nations's allies, Paluthanarezfenarkenthal was overrun by soldiers from Egypt, Uganda, Algeria, Mali, and Zambia. The Nigerian army was quickly destroyed and order was reestablished in the former land of Paluthanarezfenarkenthal, now known as North Sudan. Both Franjo and Bampf(click)oo'ko were put to execution by decapitation. As they marched to their fate, they interlocked their fingers. And as they lay dead, martyrs of their cause, their hands remained clinched...best friends even in death.

However, in the year 1928, during an excavation led by famous archeologist Sir Edward Pratt, a small lead box was unearthed near the site of the ancient battle. The box was shipped back to London for opening and study. After ginger care and careful prying, the box cracked open for the first time fourteen centuries, revealing its contents. It held only one item; a scrap of paper with three unintelligible words on it...stained in pickle juice. After dedicating his career to understanding the significance and meaning of the parchment, Sir Pratt was able to piece together the story you've just read. And when it was finally told to the Queen, it was declared to be so moving a tale, that the pickle was made the official postal carrier of love notes.

And so it has been since that day that friends and lovers around the world have expressed their heartfelt affection for each other through the written word on the face of the green pickle. So if you ever receive a strange card in the mail, a card shaped like this cucumber-like delight, take heart. For you have a friend in this world who wishes nothing more than to see you have as wonderful and happy a day as possible, even if they can't be there to share it with you.