Just Off Center

The other weekend I was watching Ocean’s Twelve at Grace’s pad. One of the scenes involved a very rich thief training for a caper he was about to pull. The obstacle wasn’t just that he had to be able to scale a wall, shimmy across rafters and crawl past guards. He also had to cross this large room that was awash in laser motion detectors. The beams were constantly changing and sweeping across the room in a totally random pattern. In order to navigate the area he would have to be able to jump, twist, flip, and contort into all kinds of unnatural positions. It was most impressive to watch. The entire time I was thinking to myself “Damn, I wish I could do all that.”

Then it occurred to me that the feats I see on TV and film that most impress me aren’t fighting moves or displays of great strength. It’s the agility and the maneuverability that I find most incredible. I love Darth Maul, Dare Devil, Neo, Legolas, and Olympic gymnasts. The damnable irony is that I’m a 213-pound man who can’t yet do a single pull-up. But then, I’ve always been the type who works toward a goal. I’m not losing weight to lose weight. I want to get my wife wet at the sight of me. I don’t lift weights to get strong. I want to lift and shove my own body weight over great obstacles.

In order to conquer an obstacle, one must be inspired to do so. Such inspiration comes from external examples of greatness and internal desire to achieve. So, to be fair to those external inspirations that have motivated me over the years, I’ve decided to put together a list of those greats that have inspired me over the years, not necessarily physically, but also intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s taken me a while to piece this short list together, but I’m fairly content with it. I’ve decided to leave out ones from my early youth (aka dad, brother, grandpa, etc…) because that’s both obvious and really fucking boring.

WONDER MAN - After the obligatory few years spent kicking the asses of every orc, goblin, wraith, zombie, and evil wizard I could find I decided I needed something other than regular Dungeons & Dragons to occupy my imagination. That's when I discovered that Marvel Comics had its own RPG that allowed me to portray superheroes and even make new mutants of my own. I became obsessed with Marvel superheroes, particularly this guy. Super strong, able to fly, cool as shit, and an Avenger to boot, Wonder Man was just the most awesome guy I’d ever seen. He didn't waste his time trying to be a great hero nor did he take on any real arch nemesis. He just flew next to the Avengers’ jet and stomped the shit out of all comers. Then he’d smile pretty for the cameras, get the field reporter's phone number and fly off. He was the first man to take the place of my dad in the "when I grow up I wanna be just like you" position; the first of many.

NICHOLAS KNIGHT - He was brought across in 1228. He preyed on humans for their blood. Now he wants to be mortal again. To repay society for his sins. To emerge from his world of darkness. From his endless, forever night. RAHR! This was one of the dorkiest TV dramas I'd ever seen. But for some reason I found my sixteen-year-old self drawn to the plight of this 800-year-old vampire trying to regain his mortality and humanity. He too could fly and had super strength, plus fangs which he would bare like Bela in every episode. I was in a really dark place in my life at this time. Perhaps this tormented soul brought me some measure of peace. Invulnerability is also a plus.

TRENT REZNOR - For a period of about four years I was hopelessly in love with Nine Inch Nails. One might call it obsessed. One would be right. I was one of those guys who played it in my car, in my home, and in other peoples’ homes. I'd sing it at work, and write down the lyrics to his songs. I probably could have benefited from a strong battery of anti-depressants. But I have to say that the music allowed me to express at an early age a rage and frustration that was going to come out anyway at some point. After a while Trent's truths started to seem more and more formulaic and trite. I was growing out of this phase in my life. To this day it’s difficult for me to listen to NIN without feeling some measure of embarrassment over my former persona. All the same, I am eternally grateful to this geeky, angry, angst driven madman for providing me with the cheapest therapy ever.

NIMBUS - In May 1998 I joined the Air Force. By January 1999 I was pretty sure that I wasn't exactly the poster boy for military conformity and contentment. After tech school I was deployed to Tucson AZ to begin my career as a lab rat for the gub-ment. It wasn't long before I fell in with other guys like me and we found a local brewery that we could call home. This was the Nimbus Brewing Company and they served the most outstanding oatmeal stout I'd ever had. I'm pretty sure it was the first oatmeal stout I'd ever had, but that's neither here nor there. I began to visit several times per week and even bring home half gallons of the beer home. I also gained thirty pounds and got put on the weight management program. Regardless, Good old Nimbus was a true friend to a man who just couldn't handle the sight of camouflage on his skin. I doubt Nina feels the same, but who cares? She was just a military wife. I would link to its site here, but Nimbus himself got screwed out of his own brewery and now someone else runs it. Damn the man!

NEO - Just before I moved to the Phoenix metro area I fell in love with The Matrix. It wasn't just the cool effects. The very idea that I could just wake up from my life and begin again was such a fucking metaphor for my mental state at the time. And the main character, Neo, was the embodiment of every super power I'd ever wanted. I want to fly. I want super strength. I want super speed. I want to download entire textbooks into my head. And who wouldn’t love to wear that club version of a monk's cloak? When I'd be on the cross trainer at Gold's I'd find myself most driven by the thoughts of Neo-like acrobatics. And anyone who can get me through an hour on level eight deserves a spot on this list.

SMITH - Then one day, I remembered that though I always loved the good guys because they got the best powers and usually won the day, it was the bad guys to whom I best related. I always felt a kinship with the Darths, The Punisher, Hans Gruber, and the Borg. And then when Matrix Reloaded came out I saw the true power I wanted, the ability to assimilate all I see into myself. Sure it's the act of the ultimate narcissist. But perhaps I can just relate to Smith's raw drive to destroy his mechanical ex-masters by absorbing them piece-by-piece until he became the Oedipal nemesis of his creator. I learned to try silence as an option and to think before speaking. I learned to take all sides and make no enemies. This may not help in social situations, but it’s a series of tactics that I can break out for professional advancement whenever I choose.

Today I have no real heroes that I can think of. And I’m ok with that. I’m of the opinion that this age in my life is more transitional than productive, like when a baseball team goes through a “rebuilding” year. It’s strange. I used to think that by this age I’d be a fully developed person, at least a lot closer to whom I can see myself being for the rest of my life. But instead I feel like a pupa more now than ever. I know I’m a good person, a decent husband, a fair provider, etc… But when I imagine myself at 40, I see myself looking back at me age 29 and thinking “what a loser”. It’s a lame and cliché way to end a post, but only time will tell.