Just Off Center

We’ve all experienced our share of difficulties with this blogger thing. How many times have I been unable to comment on posts that I actually found myself wishing to respond to? How many times has it taken an hour to republish my blog? And for the love of God, how many times have I lost entire posts because the fucking connection to Blogger was such shit? I never really understood the problem. Isn’t’ this thing run by the folks who own google?

It seems to me that the difficulties with Blogger directly correlate with the increase in popularity of the blogging phenomenon. I know that the people who control this forum are professional and technically proficient. So assuming that all that can be done to keep this place running smoothly is being done, the only way we can get our beloved blog system back to nominal working conditions is to thin the herd of bloggers out there. Once we unclog the servers of bad blogging, we can continue along our merry and clever path. Here are a few ideas I’ve had.

• First, we need to pick off the low hanging fruit. Let’s take out the stupidest and most easily dissuaded before all others. A google search for “site:blogspot.com” plus phrases like “phone number is” and “fax me at”. Anyone dumb enough to publish a live analog number on the Internet deserves some torment. Now we all just go to our friends’ and neighbors’ houses and start dialing. Be sure to include heavy breathing and the occasional “I like those shoes you wore today.” That should eliminate a few hundred morons right off the bat.

• Next we set a trap for all the bad poetry and song lyric publishers. What we’ll do is set up a fake blog under a fake name. We’ll call it “Tortured Musings of the Happily Rejected”. We have some fun writing the worst tripe imaginable and posting it. Then we start clicking “Next Blog” and every time we encounter another one of these dickbrains we comment on their blog, inviting them to join our blog. Then we start emailing them and get some contact information. Once we know how to reach them it’s right back to the pervy crank calls where we point out all the intimate, personal shit they spewed all over our little Web slice. Except the goth girls. They’d get turned on. For them we’ve reserved special calls to their parents to tell them their daughters are cutters and how we found out. This should knock out another 700 or so.

• Any man who has opted to use a blog as a source of jack-off material is just sad. Of course, it’s a good bet he’s also married. Single guys don’t have to abstain from visiting websites with pervy sounding URLs like milfhunter and almostlegal. And while a lot of these men don’t have blogs of their own to muck up the works, the traffic they cause is a nuisance. Plus it’s fun to catch men with their pants down. So we do the same thing as the poetry site, except instead of poems and lyrics, we make it another lame blog about a girl and all the cock she’s rockin’. We draw in the really sick dudes by posting about enjoying beatings, scat, bestiality and faux-rape. And just for good measure we’ll get the guilty good husbands by making a second one with a good girl who just can’t get enough of her constantly traveling, emotionally unavailable, minimally hung husband. Then we call their wives. We may even be able to get a few credit card numbers out of this to fund this campaign.

• If at all possible we should see if we could eradicate the entire population of Singapore. I’m sure there are very nice people there. But nearly half of the blogs I see with cluttered, illegible templates, pop-ups, java and flash graphics, and sidebars that stretch 1,000 pages down come from fifteen year old girls in Singapore. Holocaust may be our only recourse. We can always blame it on Iran.

• Finally we unleash a hellish rumor that the entire Blogger system is infected with a terrible computer virus that obtains bank account numbers and publishes them for fifteen seconds on the third Thursday of every month to anyone who knows the URL. We spread it like wildfire as well as the assurance that other blog hosts such as Xanga are protected from this problem. This way people will run for the hills with their retarded blogs without ever having to see any proof that they’re in danger.

Remember, freedom isn’t free. If you want to make an omelet you have to break a few eggs. The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Blah blah blah ad nauseum.

# posted by Mike @ 1:58 PM