Just Off Center

Once again, I have made the mistake of trying to assist coworker Mike (previously known as Lertz) with his girl issues. At the moment he’s dating “supermodel”. “Supermodel” is the moniker we’ve given to this chick he was seeing before, screwed over, and then won back. Apparently she’s just a fucking knockout. And I can believe it, because Mike only dates hotties. He asked me out to lunch at Sonic Drive-in today. So after we ate, we went across the parking lot to the $0.99 Only store. You see, her birthday’s coming up.

He asked me to help him find some good gift ideas for her. Since I was there, I thought I might as well grab a basket and see what I could find for Nina and myself as well. I picked up some applesauce snack packs, bubble bath, disposable razors, and a plastic hand mirror (so I can stay fresh at my desk). While I was looking I saw several little things that a pretty, Scottsdale girl in her mid-thirties, with a little boy and cat would like. Mike was nowhere to be found. By the time I located him, he was thumbing through the Valentine’s Day cards. Luckily, none of them made the cut. I called him over to me and showed him my ideas for her. He gave each gift idea a cursory glance and then threw them each, one by one, on the bottom of the racks.

This is what made the reject pile:

1. Lavender and chamomile bubble bath
2. Pedicure kit including Emory board, pumice stone, toe separators, and clippers
3. A soft, purple, disk-shaped pillow with a smiley face for a cat pillow
4. A pair of thin, girly socks with hearts on the ankles
5. A tube-shaped loofah

This is what Mike was considering buying before I made him put them back:

1. A beer bottle opener that said “YEAAAAAHHH, time for a BEER!”
2. Multicolored scrunchies with Minnie Mouse on them
3. One box of Lifestyles condoms

This is what he actually bought:

1. Three “balls with bells” cat toys (my idea)
2. A rope toy for his Great Dane, Kane
3. An eight-pack of Wrigley’s Spearmint gum, for himself
4. One bottle of Popeye multivitamins, for himself

As the thin, long hairs leave his head like so many grains of sand through an hourglass Mike is running low on ways to hide the fact that he’s getting older. And it seems that with each and every new girl he takes on, he’s getting worse and worse at dating. I mean, it’s bad enough that we’re birthday shopping for a potential wife at the fucking ninety-nine cent store. But what self-respecting woman is going to swoon when she gets a box of birthday condoms? Never mind, I don’t want to know.

For the first time in months, Mike has reasserted his desire to have me hook him up with some of my single blogger buddies. You may remember when he asked me to hook him up with Mel. Well he has renewed his interest in stickin’ it to our incestuous friend, Mel Mega. When I told him about Mel’s response being her uncertainty that she was desperate enough to drive to Arizona for some dick, Mike ingeniously countered with “tell her there’s dinner in it for her, too.” So now he has tripled his offer; a twelve-ounce steak with his six-ounce cock.

When he wanted to know who I was in Instant Messenger with when he came by my office earlier I told him it was Grace, my friend from Orange County. When he asked if she was hot I had to reply honestly. “Yeah, Mike. She’s really hot. But she’s not white, so you’re probably not interested.” Well, Mike has surprised us yet again with his openness to cultural experimentation. This is how that conversation went down.

Me: Yeah, Mike. She’s really hot. But she’s not white, so you’re probably not interested.
Mike: Oh…right…but she is hot, right?
Me: I don’t know. She’s somewhat hot, but you’d probably classify her as more cute, pretty, and adorable. Oh, but I think she does have big boobs.
Mike: Shut up! Really? Are they fake?
Me: Uh, I don’t know. I doubt it.
Mike: Well Asian girls don’t just naturally grow big boobs.
Me: Yes, of course. You’re right. They must be implants.
Mike: Well, I’d be willing to try it out. Hook me up.
Me: Mike, she lives in California. And she’s fucking married. And her husband is a great guy and a friend of mine.
Mike: Oh. Damn. Well what other chicks do you do this blog thing with?
Me: Well let’s see. There’s Little Eyes. But she has a boyfriend.
Mike: Little Eyes? What is she, Indian?
Me: No, dumbass. That’s her blogger handle.
Mike: Nah, I like chicks with big eyes. Who else?
Me: Oh, you know who’s single? There’s a really cute girl named Veronica who reads my shit. And she’s all into fitness too.
Mike: Really! Now you’re talking. Is she Korean too?
Me: No, I’m pretty sure she’s Hispanic, maybe Mexican.
Mike: Oh, forget it then. I don’t like dating latinos.
Me: Latinas.
Mike: Huh?
Me: Latinos means boys. Latinas means girls.
Mike: Whatever. You go out with a Hispanic chick, and you’ve got to deal with all their fucking brothers and parents and aunts and uncles and shit. It’s too much fucking work. Who’s next?
Me: Okay. Well Cece’s already married too. There’s Quyen, she’s really body conscious too. And her picture looks pretty cute. Do you mind Vietnamese girls?
Mike: Like, from Vietnam?
Me: No, just Vietnamese in ethnicity.
Mike: Uhhhh…I don’t know! Does she have nice tits?
Me: I think she mentioned having a boob job at some point in the past.
Mike: Sweet! Where does she live?
Me: I think she’s in California too.
Mike: Jesus! Don’t any of your little blog friends live in Arizona?
Me: Cindy-Lou does I think.
Mike: What’s she look like?
Me: I don’t really know. I think I saw a picture of her head once. She looked cute, if I remember.
Mike: Well, probably best not to take chances.
Me: You’re right. You should just stick to your plastic Scottsdale girls.

And these are the people I live around. They are my better friends by default. So I’m sorry I wasn’t able to sell him on any of my lovely ladies of blogger. But if it’s any consolation, just moments before this conversation took off he was telling me how he wanted to cover his bedroom walls with the plastic version of that bumpy, zigzagged, chrome tread that auto showrooms use to line their floors. That will be, “soooo cool”.