Monday, October 11, 2004
"Bad" movies
This past weekend I finally got around to watching Bad Lieutenant, starring Harvey Kietel as the title character. For a long time I had heard this film was a classic must-see. It was hailed as a searing indictment of the church and professed that Kietel's character was one of the most tragic in all of cinema. I'd had this movie from Netflix for about two weeks. After telling Nina the movie's description she wanted to see it too. She loves detective stories. But since it was supposed to be such a depressing film we had to find the right time to watch it. This time was yesterday, between football games and after the quickie.
After the first thirty minutes Nina had to walk away. So far all he had done was talk about the bets he was making on the upcoming baseball playoff, snort coke, drink rum, chase the dragon, complain about Catholicism, hire two hookers, and show his penis to the camera. Understanding that this was all an "artistic representation" and not being one who puts her head in the sand when an unpleasant sight presents itself, Nina just gave me a couple looks like "this is what you wanted me to see?". But she was able to cope with everything, including a nun raping, until Kietel pulled over a couple of Jersey chicks and, in exchange for not arresting them, made one show him his ass and the other pretend to give a blowjob while he jerked off on the car door. Lovely.
At this point Nina got up in disgust and told me to go ahead and watch the rest of the movie myself. This isn't the first time this has happened. It occurred to me that she did the exact same time in Bad Santa, right around the time Lorelie Gilmore started chanting "Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa. Fuck me Santa." I can see how that would upset her. Gilmore Girls is one of her favorite shows, and the wonan's character is this adorable, witty, beautiful woman who would never say "fuck me" to anybody. It would be like me watching Brent Spiner (aka Data from Star Trek) sucking dick for crack.
So now I'm beginning to wonder if all movies with a title beginning with "Bad" are inherently disturbing. Because so far we've got Mr. White's full frontal nudity and and American sweetheart repeatedly ordering Santa Claus to fuck her. What other movies begin with "Bad"? Let's review.
Bad Boys I/II - Well the only really disturbing thing about these movies is that they just really suck. Don't get me wrong, the acting was superb. I always enjoy watching Will Smith stretching his acting prowess by playing Will Smith if he were a cop who didn't have to follow any rules, be held accountable, wear a real uniform, or think before killing people or destroying property. What a stretch. Oscar, anyone? However, I'd already seen Lethal Weapon so this movie wasn't really doing it for me. And am I the only person who feels that if Martin Lawrence were to pull a gun on me and tell me to freeze that I'd just say "aww, that's so cute" and try to pet him on the head? Still, there's nothing inherently disturbing about these train wrecks. Oh, and my coworker, Carl, absolutely loved them. 'Nuff said.
Bad Company (2002) - See Bad Boys. Exchange players with Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins. Again, nothing really terrible here except the fact that such a legendary actor apparantly had a few bills left unpaid and had to do a shitty black cop/white cop comedy/action thing. A sad moment for Dr. Lecter to be sure.
Bad Company (1995) - Watching Morpheus come is about as vile a thing as I can tolerate. Granted, I was relieved to see that in the end almost everybody died Tarantino style. But aside from the impossible plot, I was definitely repulsed by watching not one, but two gratuitous and loveless sex scenes between him and Ellen Barkin, who by the way graces the big screen with a flash of her bush. That too was absolutely necessary for the progression of the plotline. Next.
Bad Secretary - As far as BDSM films go, this is the Chariots of Fire. There is a kind of brutality in this S&M porno that is rarely found in today's more watered down, adulterated crap that's put out today. You've got your clamps. You've got your gags. You've definitely got your rope burns. Is it disturbing? Absolutely. OK, I can't back this up. I've never even seen it. I just ran out of titles that began with "Bad". But maybe one of you sick fucks out there can go find it help me put in a more fitting analysis of it's off-putting qualities.
Wow! That "Bad" in the title is a really telling feature on these movies. Perhaps it's a staple, kind of an understood, but unspoken rule of films like this. Then again, I did see The "Good" Son, and that was pretty disturbing too. Elijah Wood was such a whiney little pussy. That little Home aAlone dude can babysit for me any day! Hey Nina, if I let you go, do you think you could fly? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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After the first thirty minutes Nina had to walk away. So far all he had done was talk about the bets he was making on the upcoming baseball playoff, snort coke, drink rum, chase the dragon, complain about Catholicism, hire two hookers, and show his penis to the camera. Understanding that this was all an "artistic representation" and not being one who puts her head in the sand when an unpleasant sight presents itself, Nina just gave me a couple looks like "this is what you wanted me to see?". But she was able to cope with everything, including a nun raping, until Kietel pulled over a couple of Jersey chicks and, in exchange for not arresting them, made one show him his ass and the other pretend to give a blowjob while he jerked off on the car door. Lovely.
At this point Nina got up in disgust and told me to go ahead and watch the rest of the movie myself. This isn't the first time this has happened. It occurred to me that she did the exact same time in Bad Santa, right around the time Lorelie Gilmore started chanting "Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa. Fuck me Santa." I can see how that would upset her. Gilmore Girls is one of her favorite shows, and the wonan's character is this adorable, witty, beautiful woman who would never say "fuck me" to anybody. It would be like me watching Brent Spiner (aka Data from Star Trek) sucking dick for crack.
So now I'm beginning to wonder if all movies with a title beginning with "Bad" are inherently disturbing. Because so far we've got Mr. White's full frontal nudity and and American sweetheart repeatedly ordering Santa Claus to fuck her. What other movies begin with "Bad"? Let's review.
Bad Boys I/II - Well the only really disturbing thing about these movies is that they just really suck. Don't get me wrong, the acting was superb. I always enjoy watching Will Smith stretching his acting prowess by playing Will Smith if he were a cop who didn't have to follow any rules, be held accountable, wear a real uniform, or think before killing people or destroying property. What a stretch. Oscar, anyone? However, I'd already seen Lethal Weapon so this movie wasn't really doing it for me. And am I the only person who feels that if Martin Lawrence were to pull a gun on me and tell me to freeze that I'd just say "aww, that's so cute" and try to pet him on the head? Still, there's nothing inherently disturbing about these train wrecks. Oh, and my coworker, Carl, absolutely loved them. 'Nuff said.
Bad Company (2002) - See Bad Boys. Exchange players with Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins. Again, nothing really terrible here except the fact that such a legendary actor apparantly had a few bills left unpaid and had to do a shitty black cop/white cop comedy/action thing. A sad moment for Dr. Lecter to be sure.
Bad Company (1995) - Watching Morpheus come is about as vile a thing as I can tolerate. Granted, I was relieved to see that in the end almost everybody died Tarantino style. But aside from the impossible plot, I was definitely repulsed by watching not one, but two gratuitous and loveless sex scenes between him and Ellen Barkin, who by the way graces the big screen with a flash of her bush. That too was absolutely necessary for the progression of the plotline. Next.
Bad Secretary - As far as BDSM films go, this is the Chariots of Fire. There is a kind of brutality in this S&M porno that is rarely found in today's more watered down, adulterated crap that's put out today. You've got your clamps. You've got your gags. You've definitely got your rope burns. Is it disturbing? Absolutely. OK, I can't back this up. I've never even seen it. I just ran out of titles that began with "Bad". But maybe one of you sick fucks out there can go find it help me put in a more fitting analysis of it's off-putting qualities.
Wow! That "Bad" in the title is a really telling feature on these movies. Perhaps it's a staple, kind of an understood, but unspoken rule of films like this. Then again, I did see The "Good" Son, and that was pretty disturbing too. Elijah Wood was such a whiney little pussy. That little Home aAlone dude can babysit for me any day! Hey Nina, if I let you go, do you think you could fly? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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